graduate school, sober lifestyle

Passion


You can take the girl out of English class, age her a few decades and put her through the wringer of trying to earn a living wage with the written word, but you canโ€™t take the burning passion for English class out of the girl!

Safe to say I was totally in my element Tuesday night at Delaware Valley Universityโ€™s annual Student Writing Conference, where I went to read one of my early-2022 blog posts, plus a short snippet of an even older piece that I struggled to slice and dice into a 100-word โ€œTiny Memoir.โ€ (I only made it down to 126; shit, itโ€™s tough being your own editor! ๐Ÿ˜ซ)

I attended the event to โ€œcelebrate writingโ€ with classmates and kindred spirits, and just to soak up as much of โ€œcarefreeโ€ grad student life as I can before โ€œthe real worldโ€ hits โ€” again โ€” next semester in the form of an unpaid counseling internship that will usher in my second career transition in the past four years.

I was probably the oldest person in the room, besides the professors running the thing, and yet I was acting much like the 1990s tween/teen who sat riveted at a Park View School/Niles West High desk while Mr. Paulos or Dr. Graham led discussions of great literature and the art of storytelling.

Once a โ€œtry hard,โ€ always a โ€œtry hardโ€โ€ฆ

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sober lifestyle

Tolerance

Not to brag, but in the span of two weeks, I handled a dental drill to the mouth AND a tattoo needle to the arm without having a complete nervous breakdown. I didnโ€™t even cry! I mean, Iโ€™m still kind of sore from the full-body tense-up I held for an hour at a time, and my hands are still stuck in a bit of a claw from death-gripping the chair arms/table sidesโ€ฆbut all in all, I did good.

If you want to go back a month to the date of my COVID booster shot, you can even add a drama-free injection to my big-girl resume.

I proudly texted my friend earlier this month, upon returning home from getting inked for the third time (see above: two wolves on left tricep), that my pain tolerance had finally reached adult levels. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป

Iโ€™m a couple months shy of 44. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

It only took a few decades of downward-spiraling into in an alcohol addiction, and 31 action-packed months of sobriety, but Iโ€™m starting to get the hang of facing my fears โ€” and feelings โ€” without my old favorite security blanket.

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graduate school, sober lifestyle

Experience

The student finished reading his personal narrative, and one of the English professors running the panel commended him on his closing paragraph. โ€œYou see a lot of young writers struggle with endings,โ€ she said, โ€œand yours was really strong.โ€

I wanted to yell out from my seat in the audience: โ€œYES! Endings are SO HARD! Even for OLD WRITERS!โ€

The moment kind of reminded me of sitting in an AA meeting early in my sobriety and hearing someone talk about the alcohol-induced anxiety attacks that hit like clockwork every day at 3AM. Itโ€™s one of those things that everyone in a certain group of people goes through, but you think youโ€™re the only one, and when someone else brings it up, youโ€™re so relieved to know youโ€™re not alone.

Youโ€™re hit with this feelingโ€ฆlike, youโ€™re finally home.

Thatโ€™s how I felt at the Delaware Valley University Student Writers Conference last week. Not surprisingly, I was the oldest one there โ€” by quite a large margin โ€” and from what I could tell, the only grad student. But art knows no age, and one of the first things you learn in studying this particular art form, other than โ€œknow your ending before you begin,โ€ is to โ€œwrite what you know.โ€

I was super impressed and inspired by the undergraduate authors all around me โ€” like, to the point of tears. But letโ€™s face it: When it comes to knowing stuff, I blew their little butts out of the water. Iโ€™m a 43-year-old recovering alcoholic in the midst of her third career transition (and second month of unemployment), for Peteโ€™s sake! If life experience is a key advantage in the writing โ€œgame,โ€ this โ€œcompetitionโ€ was not a fair fight.

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