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sober lifestyle

Indulgence

Theyโ€™re mocktails; no worries.

My husband didnโ€™t JUST support our entire household for the last four months of 2021; he ended up bringing in so much money for his company that they voted him Employee of the Year on his team.

His reward, from them, was an all-expenses-paid trip to Saint Martin later this spring.

I took him out for brunch.

Well, I guess technically, all I really did was agree to go out for brunch, instead of insisting we stay in and order Door Dash like we usually do. At 2 1/2 years sober, going to restaurants still makes me a little nervous, even when we purposely choose a place with an interesting mocktail selection to balance out the giant menu book filled with booze. But, to honor my hubby, I made the (unnecessary) reservation, and put on real pants and shoes, and even straightened my hair. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

He drove, though, and paid the check. He also sat in the booth for an hour, listening to me enthusiastically describe the intimate details of my fake clientโ€™s life from the mock counseling sessions weโ€™re doing in Advanced Techniques class.

Was that breaking confidentiality?


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Tolerance

Not to brag, but in the span of two weeks, I handled a dental drill to the mouth AND a tattoo needle to the arm without having a complete nervous breakdown. I didnโ€™t even cry! I mean, Iโ€™m still kind of sore from the full-body tense-up I held for an hour at a time, and my hands are still stuck in a bit of a claw from death-gripping the chair arms/table sidesโ€ฆbut all in all, I did good.

If you want to go back a month to the date of my COVID booster shot, you can even add a drama-free injection to my big-girl resume.

I proudly texted my friend earlier this month, upon returning home from getting inked for the third time (see above: two wolves on left tricep), that my pain tolerance had finally reached adult levels. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป

Iโ€™m a couple months shy of 44. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

It only took a few decades of downward-spiraling into in an alcohol addiction, and 31 action-packed months of sobriety, but Iโ€™m starting to get the hang of facing my fears โ€” and feelings โ€” without my old favorite security blanket.

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Mortality

I came home from class Monday night to find my husband standing in the kitchen with a look on his face.

Weโ€™ve been together 18 years. I can instantly tell in a single glance when somethingโ€™s not right.

โ€œYour dad called me.โ€ (Yeah, something is definitely not rightโ€ฆ) โ€œYour mom is in the hospital. She had a heart attack.โ€

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿคฏ๐Ÿ’ฅ

My relatives all live in Illinois and Iโ€™m in Pennsylvania. Since I moved away in the spring of 2000, whenever Iโ€™ve been faced with heart-wrenching circumstances, from 9/11 to my motherโ€™s mortality, my first thought is always to jump in the car and hit the gas, heading west.

What am I doing out here? How can the last thing I said/did, to/with my family be [whatever trivial thing it was]?!?

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Reinforcement

โ€œIf I want to stay married, Iโ€™ve got to stay quit.โ€

The words shot out of my mouth like a knee-jerk reaction. No idea where they came from. But thatโ€™s what I said to the new chiropractor I visited yesterday when the topic of alcohol came up.

Iโ€™m not exactly sure how my โ€œNOโ€ writ large on the intake form turned into a conversation โ€” do all back specialists ask new patients if they smoke and drink? This one did! โ€” but somehow, I learned that this guy had given up booze for three years and โ€œhated it,โ€ so he โ€œpicked upโ€ again. He assured me he was โ€œgood nowโ€ with alcohol back in his life.

My quick comeback surprised me. Even after 2 1/2 years sober, Iโ€™m still quite green when it comes to discussions of drinking in social situations. Iโ€™m unpracticed in talking about alcohol anywhere outside the safe bubble of recovery meetings, family gatherings, therapy sessions or grad school classes.

And yet, what I said was perfect. Succinct, 100% accurate, but not overly revealing. I thought about the entire experience on the way home from the appointment โ€” one of many to come as I try to take care of an out-of-whack SI joint thatโ€™s making my life miserable โ€” and my mind wiggled down a rabbit hole.

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Compassion

Source: @centerformindfulselfcompassion on Instagram.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPP.

A tearing sensation snaked up the right side of my back as I yanked the handle of the rower toward my midsection, and I instantly knew: I was doneโ€ฆprobably for a good long while. I released the chain with a snap and toppled stiffly from the seat to the floor, as the digital timer ticked down the final seconds of my workout.

Tears filled my eyes. One thought consumed my brain.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Iโ€™d just spent almost two months nursing a pulled hamstring, reluctantly ramping down my exercise routine to easy walks and modified yoga, with occasional light rowing and ultra-light lifting. Over a Christmas trip to Illinois, I pushed a little, and was elated to make it around the flat terrain of my childhood hometown in a slow jog, without incident. My patience was paying off!

And now, this. Something worse. A jacked-up back that basically rendered my entire body useless.

OK, universe! I surrender! Iโ€™m listening! What exactly are you trying to teach me?!?!

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Repetition

Turns out, the original title I had in mind for this post wasnโ€™t original; the above excerpt is from one of my earliest entries in this sober saga, which is now, officially, 30 MONTHS long.

I donโ€™t repeat headlines, but everything else in my life is one big rigid, predictable routine. From yoga and brisk walks in the early morning to fruit smoothies and honey vanilla chamomile tea in the late afternoon, to a few Tootsie pops and melatonin gummies before bed at sunset, every creature comfort a creature of habit could ask for is part of my daily procedure.

I wonโ€™t bore you with the details of my full meal plan, but trust me: Itโ€™s the same. Every. Day.

What can I say? Iโ€™m a highly sensitive girl, and giving up alcohol in some of the most topsy turvy times our society has ever seen, while going through a job transition and going back to school, is not something Iโ€™m equipped to handle completely naked. That is, without some kind of security blanket.

The most important thing: After 2 1/2 years of โ€œone-day-at-a-timeโ€-ing it, over and over again, not drinking has become as much of a ritual as drinking once was.

Halle-f*cking-lujah for the hard death of old habitsโ€ฆand the steadfast adherence to new ones! ๐Ÿฅณ

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Power

Setting out from my childhood home at 4AM Central, headed on a 12-hour drive across three states and a time zone, to the place I call home now.

Predictably, the drive from Chicago to Philly โ€” which my hubby and I did Thursday in one fell swoop โ€” knocked me flat on my ass. Every time we travel out to visit my family, the journey there is one big jolly sing-a-long, and the return trip seems like a never-ending chore.

So, it was noon when I finally dragged my body off the couch and away from the New Yearโ€™s Eve โ€œTwilight Zoneโ€ marathon on SyFy, and went for a walk in the park.

No matter how lethargic and unmotivated I might feel, fresh air and movement never fail to give my brain a much-needed boost. I do my best thinking on the trails at Tyler State Park.

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Impermanence

I stirred up some holiday spirit the other day by popping a beloved Christmas classic into my DVD player.

You know, the one where it finally dawns on a guy that his parents were burglars, and his childhood tradition of visiting neighborsโ€™ houses to gleefully unwrap Cabbage Patch Kids, talking robots and other hot 80s toys was actually a criminal enterprise? And another guy realizes that the string of Santas who showed up at his door on Christmas morning, bearing such useful (and intoxicating) gifts as a jar of rubber cement, were really Johns looking for a โ€œdateโ€ with his mom? ๐Ÿคฃ

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