sober lifestyle, Uncategorized

Survival, Part 2

Show of hands: who else was really glad to see February 2020 fade into the rearview mirror?

🙋🏼‍♀️

Even in a leap year, it was still the shortest of all the months, and yet it felt like a never-ending slog through the muck. It felt like every time I try to run in a dream, and instead find myself crawling on the ground, clawing desperately to propel my body forward. (I’m open to all suggestions as to why that exact scenario keeps recurring over and over.)

If you’re watching “The Outsider” on HBO, it felt like that one cop Jack who gets body-snatched by the evil entity and then is continually wracked by random attacks that leave him looking like a walking corpse — and desperately looking for a way out.

So, you get the point. It’s been a painful month. I’m sure that was pretty clear after last week’s post, and without going into too much more graphic detail, suffice to say I got perfect-stormed by IBS, endometriosis and depression, and it sucked.

Continue reading “Survival, Part 2”
sober lifestyle, Uncategorized

Survival

Washington Crossing, PA, between the canal and the river. No better view in Bucks County, IMHO.

The warmth of the sun, the love of my family, and a clear memory of what happened the last time I tried to self-medicate a bad bout of depression with alcohol…those are the reasons I sit here today with 231 days of sobriety — and counting.

Getting out of bed, going to work (on the weekdays) or going out for a walk (thank God for our gorgeous weather this entire weekend), and NOT drinking to feel better, are the extent of my accomplishments since I last checked in here.

Maybe next week I’ll have enough perspective on managing early recovery from addiction and mental health issues at the same time to write my usual tome. I have plenty of thoughts on the subject, just not the clarity or focus to sort them out in writing. Right now I’m too immersed in survival mode (think of it as a poor swimmer in the deep end of the pool, neck straining and feet kicking furiously to keep eyes, nose and mouth above water) to be very articulate.

Continue reading “Survival”
sober lifestyle, Uncategorized

Therapy

My butt hadn’t even begun to warm the seat cushion when it became abundantly clear: There would be no sitting back and getting comfy in that chair.

“What made it OK to stay with a drunk all those years?” the therapist asked my husband within the opening five minutes of our very first session.

😳

The balls, right? Of course, both of us just sat there, stunned. It’s actually funny now, to think about my sweet, kind, reserved hubby trying to come up with a response to a question like that on the spot, when he’d never even been to therapy before in his life.

Couldn’t tell you what was going through my head at that moment. My heart, on the other hand, somehow knew.

This was going to be a good fit. Continue reading “Therapy”

sober lifestyle, Uncategorized

Perfectionism, Addiction, and Rebuilding Your Life at Age 41

Rock bottom. Has anyone reading this ever hit it and bounced back?

It’s not just a phrase, not a joke to me, and as I sit here, I am not even sure how to define it. I have thought, several times in the past several years of my life, as my lifelong journalism career evaporated, that I’d sunk to the lowest point I’d ever been in my 41-year lifetime. And yet I have continued to sink lower since I left my newspaper job and started working at a digital marketing agency – the only job offered to me in a four-month search last fall.

In all seriousness, I have contemplated ending my life, because by my standards, my life, all my academic and athletic talents, my Northwestern education, my 20 years of reporting on sports, all has amounted to nothing. Right now, I’m an entry-level nobody with everything – advanced age, lack of non-journalism experience, creative skillset – working against me. Continue reading “Perfectionism, Addiction, and Rebuilding Your Life at Age 41”