Joy

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The first few pictures of me with my capstone poster showed me “smiling” with a closed mouth, and my friend called me out: “No no…let’s take a real one where you look happy!”

At that point, it hit me. 💥 🤯 I’ve been acting like a joyless ghoul over the past several months.

I’ve been a raging insecurity monster as I near the end of school and internship, having not yet secured a full-time job. I’ve been obsessively comparing myself to everyone around me and allowing my baser issues (impatience, envy, suspicion, resentment) to hijack my system. I’ve been behaving like some kind of clueless greenhorn who hasn’t been diligently studying the art of sober living, gaining clarity and awareness like a champ, developing emotional maturity (at a snail’s pace, but still…) and working her ass off, on herself, over the past five years.

Despite all my growth, I’ve not been seeking proper perspective as of late, or practicing gratitude, or enjoying the ride. In other words, I’m batting 0-for-everything that makes me my best self.

Well, I’m happy to report that I put that shit on pause…at least for one day.

This past Thursday was the annual Day of Scholarship at Delaware Valley University. I donned a cute shift dress purchased for a wedding nearly a decade ago, which still fits great, and sleek high-heeled pumps I purchased for a marketing job a few weeks before they laid me off, so my feet never had a chance to get used to them (ow! 😣), and for once, I actually felt confident (if a little sore) walking into the event.

I passionately discussed my clinical experience, theory of change and chosen case study with interested passerby, including both my first and current internship supervisors (eek! 😨) And I smiled for the pictures — though I regret I did not take more with my favorite coworkers and classmates, and my hubby, who were all there loving on me.

Here’s the most important image of the day: dessert cups at Harvest Seasonal Grill to cap off a celebratory three-course meal that included a couple of delicious mint cooler mocktails! 😍

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Whether or not the job market views a master’s degree as a big deal, my family and school community do. And having basked in the glow of achievement for a little while this week, I can see how I’ve really been cheating myself. To get so caught up in fear of future failure and what I think is missing from my life, and my resume, that I lose sight of all the beautiful blessings around me at this moment…that’s scarcity mindset. It’s toxic perfectionism.

It’s a seed of addiction. Left to grow, it’ll steal away years of your life while you’re waiting for the “right” time to get out and really enjoy yourself, as your true self.

It’s the core belief that if I’m not perfect, I’m worthless, and therefore unworthy of a good career, good time, good life. So, what the hell do I have to go around smiling about? What makes me think I can turn down a job offer and hold out for a better one, or (going way back in time) turn down a date and rebuff someone’s — anyone’s — attention/affection, or stand up for myself when I don’t like how I’m being treated, or set boundaries to protect my time and energy, or even voluntarily go out in public and show myself in social settings when I don’t look/feel on top of my game?

Narrator: She never felt on top of her game. She drank so she could stop caring about letting everyone down. She thought drunkenness was as close as she could ever get to pure joy, and she chased that feeling with reckless abandon for 20 long years.

Obviously, that chase led me in the wrong direction — straight down, mostly — and now that I’m back on track, it can feel as though I’m lagging behind. I need the occasional reminder: getting sober, going back to school, starting work as a therapist, all after the age of 40…it is progress. It is growth. It is hard! It is the “road less traveled,” and I’m brave to be walking it every day.

There’s no clear roadmap or set timetable for this unique journey. Why feel pressure to follow someone else’s path, at society’s breakneck pace?

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If it seems like this blog has been a river of negativity lately, that’s because negativity runs through my blood. And when times are stressful and resistances are down, the flow rate dials up and the ugly occasionally leaks out.

Part of the painful process of self-discovery I described earlier in this post has been recognizing, and reckoning with, my innate Eeyore-esque tendencies. Not sure how much is nature and how much nurture — if you met the side of the family that I happen to “take after,” you’d see that both are in play — but my first instinct in most situations is either to spot the flaws or ask, “What could go wrong?”

It’s like a blind spot in my worldview. When I’m living on autopilot, in the absence of mindful intention, I don’t — or maybe won’t — see the silver linings in life’s gray blanket of clouds.

I think it’s a self-protective thing. A defense mechanism. Like, if I avoid acknowledging the bright side, it won’t feel so disappointing when darkness inevitably rolls in. If I don’t allow myself to feel joy, it won’t hurt as much when rejection, betrayal, loss and grief rip the rug out.

Wallowing in gloom under a raincloud feels safer than striking out into the unknown and weathering whatever comes my way.

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Understanding lays the foundation for change. I look around my life with the clarity of sobriety, and I finally see that a glass-half-empty mentality and a bottomless booze bottle have the same basic effect. They not only don’t protect us from pain; they hold us back and keep us stuck, stewing in regret. Waiting around. Missing out. Wasting life.

Can you think of anything more painful than that?

If I can’t allow myself to lighten up on the eve of grad school commencement, when can I? I’m about to be released from the pressure-cooker combo of a three-year master’s program and 15-month entry-level job in a fast-paced drug and alcohol treatment center, and set free to travel with my hubby on his four-week work sabbatical….and I don’t “have” to get a job right this very second. Why TF am I in such a hurry to heap more stress on my shoulders?

Did I tell you we’re visiting the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown — with a private tour set up by my sister’s MLB connex — the week after graduation, then flying to Albuquerque, where we’ll take in an Isotopes game and hopefully get one of those rearview mirror hangers for our rental car so we can truly nerd out on our self-guided “Breaking Bad”/“Better Call Saul” tour of ABQ and Santa Fe, and staying in an AirBNB log cabin while we hike the desertscapes and mountain ranges of New Mexico and Colorado?

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We’ll eventually make our way to Chicago to visit my family, then rent a van to move some armchairs and a loveseat from my late, great Aunt Mickey’s estate back to Philly, where they will sit in our house awaiting the day I open my own therapy office.

That’s several years away, though, and requires a license, which requires finding a post-grad job where I can see enough clients and receive enough supervision to log enough LPC-eligible hours. But there I go again, losing sight of the present to fret over the future.

There’s much to look forward to in the coming weeks; heck, in early July, shortly after our sabbatical adventure, I will celebrate FIVE YEARS of continuous sobriety (as “Jen Wielgus, MA,” thank you very much)! When I started on this path of recovery back in 2019, I could not even fathom that it would lead me here.

“Here” is by no means a “perfect” place. A fresh start is as scary as it is exciting, and there’s lots of work left to do. But when I allow myself — or someone forces me — to drop all my self-protective defenses and really look around, I see little seeds of joy peeking out from every corner. Those seeds are growing, on the sunny and the rainy days; whether I choose to acknowledge or appreciate that is up to me.

The universe is smiling, clearly and brightly, at this moment in my life. And when I turn down the negative soundtrack in my head, sit in quiet stillness and observe, wonder of wonders, I can actually hear my joyful heart!

Wouldn’t you know, it sounds a lot like Eeyore.

“Thanks for FINALLY noticin’ me…”