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As a reporter, I was never an expert on the sports I covered — not even softball or volleyball, which pretty much consumed my life throughout my teens — but I was at least present and (mostly) paying attention at games. So, in addition to recording hits and runs and yards and points, I could observe actions and reactions. I could absorb emotions. I could pick up on body language and facial expressions and all the little details that come together to make a compelling story. And then, I could (nervously) walk up to the players and coaches and ask about their experience, adding an extra layer of depth to my understanding of the event and empowering me to tell people all about it in the newspaper or an online video.

Switching from journalism to marketing in mid-life has been an incredibly tough transition, and after two weeks in my latest new job, I think I’ve identified the root of the struggle.

My whole life, one of my biggest fears has always been not knowing — the answers, the way, what to say, what to do, what to expect — because if you don’t know, what use are you to the world?

So far, my entire marketing career has been a whole bunch of not knowing. I seriously feel like I’ve been in a constant state of confusion for three straight years. In trying to stay afloat financially after my journalism job dead-ended in 2018, I basically dove off a cliff — it was a precarious perch, but I’d grown somewhat comfortable there — into an ocean of uncertainty.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever learn to swim. All this furious paddling and kicking to keep my head above water can get really exhausting.

Continue reading “Authority” →

My stomach has been flipping and flopping nonstop all week, so when I say I “gutted out” my first five days commuting to and from a brand new job and adjusting to a completely different schedule/routine, I mean it literally. 🤢

There’s still rumbling going on in there now, as I write this. It’s 5 AM on Saturday, and while I don’t feel close to tip-top physical or mental shape — you folks with IBS will understand how this brutal condition can consume a person in a vicious cycle, being both the cause and result of stress — I wanted to check in here and reflect on a few significant milestones.

I had an opportunity to do that publicly — as in, face to face with other humans in the same room — on Friday morning at my first big marketing meeting at the new company. Apparently, the custom for my coworkers is to go around the table every week and announce everyone’s personal and professional “bests.”

I had a doozy of a personal highlight to share, considering I’d cleared the 22-month sober milestone on the same day I started this job, and job transitions are pretty much the most stressful non-life-and-death situations I can imagine.

But of course, I sat on that, because what kind of weirdo tells a group of complete strangers they’re a recovering alcoholic?

Such an egregious example of oversharing is completely beyond my comprehension. I would never get so anxious that I spilled my guts just to fill awkward silence!! 😐

Continue reading “Adjustment” →

My grandfather was a carpenter who built single-family homes for a living, then transitioned to making handcrafted furniture — like my little sister’s rocking chair, shown above — and whittling knick knacks later in life.

When I think about him now, almost 25 years after he passed away, I instantly remember his fingernails.

They were permanently stained. They always looked dirty. When we would go up to visit my grandparents at their farm in Wisconsin, and Grandpa would come in from his workshop and wash his hands for dinner, he would scrub them with the little brush my grandma bought from the Avon lady and kept by the kitchen sink. But I could still see a thin black line under those nails when he sat down at the table.

I’d stare at Grandpa’s weathered fingers, my little kid brain straining to imagine how much hard work it would take to brand the body like that. I knew he’d renovated my parents’ house back in Illinois, and built the farmhouse we were sitting in — hell, I pretty much assumed he built every house everywhere — and it amazed me that a person could make an entire beautiful building with his bare hands.

Continue reading “Construction” →

I woke up this morning with heart pounding, my body finally catching up to the realities my brain had begun processing over the previous 24 hours.

What the $&@% did I get myself into?!?

No, I did not relapse. But it’s something almost as terrifying.

I received an offer letter for the marketing job that I applied for on a whim back in February and went through an emotional roller coaster of four interviews and a writing test to pursue…and I agreed to accept the position.

😳😳😳😳

Yeah. So, April 2021 is only one day old as I sit down to write this, and already it’s one of the biggest months of my life.

Within the next few weeks, I will turn 43, leave one job where I work remotely to start another where I have to report to an office five days a week, register for my first semester of grad school classes, and…

Well, let’s not even talk about the sober “anniversary” I’ve already circled on the kitchen calendar (would you believe Day 660 of freedom from alcohol is also Day One for the new job?!), because part of me is kind of freaked out, wondering how all this change will affect my recovery. 🤯

OK, so all of me is a little freaked out about having to leave my comfort zone.

I’ve been cozied up in a little bubble of stretchy leggings, hoodies, long midday walks, 12-step meetings every Thursday at 6 and early bedtimes every night — not to mention these weekend wee-hour blogging sessions — since I took my current job back in June 2020, right before I hit one year sober.

That bubble is about to 💥 in a big way.

Continue reading “Change” →