Procrastination

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My jogging route includes a few steep(ish) hills that never seem to feel easier, no matter how many times I scale them, so I allow myself a break at the traffic light leading from the park back into my neighborhood. I typically have a gorgeous view of daybreak as I shuffle up the final incline, and on Halloween morning, I lingered a little longer at the stopping point to catch my breath and snap the attached pic.

That sky illustrates how my life feels right now — no matter how you look at it. From the “glass half full” perspective, I’m currently, temporarily, mired in murkiness and doubt, but there’s light, hope, room to breathe and seemingly limitless possibility waiting in the distance. On the other hand, I could say I’m floating around on the light side while the dark clouds of reality are looming, creeping in, getting closer every day.

My grad school “commencement” is May 11, 2024, which I suppose could be the line of demarcation in this scenario. The plan is to cross it, grab that diploma, then take a beat to decide on next steps for my counseling career.

I have hundreds of internship hours to log and research papers/final projects to turn in prior to that date. There’s also the minor matter of passing the National Counseling Exam, which students in DelVal’s program are somehow expected to do during their second-to-last semester in school while they’re trying to log all those required hours and turn in all those aforementioned assignments.

The very last possible day I could schedule my exam was Nov. 21, so of course, that was the day I chose. I never would’ve considered myself a procrastinator in the past, but something about having to take a standardized test for the first time since 1996 — a test tagged with a $350 non-refundable registration fee that recurs if you need additional attempts — triggers my most intense avoidance impulses.

Case in point: I’m sitting here on a Saturday morning writing this post instead of poring over my $50 box of flashcards or the 700-page “purple book” my cohort has been hyping.

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I gave myself “plenty of time” to prepare. Alas, the calendar tells me that time is running out. And while I have been studying here and there, little by little, I’m not sure I’ve actually retained any useful information. I feel the anxiety rising to a boil beneath my skin each time I find myself with a free moment. The knowledge that I should be preparing, and that I could actually fail, only increases the angst and drives me even harder to distraction.

I am not a great test-taker to begin with; my SAT and ACT scores were nothing to brag about, and my admission to a “good school” for undergrad was mostly due to a solid GPA, a high class rank, a good rep with my teachers and overall well-roundedness. Plus, any ability I had as a high schooler to focus and compartmentalize seems to have…

…sorry, lost my train of thought. 🫨

Have I had ADHD all my life, and it’s gone totally haywire since I stopped self-medicating with alcohol and entered the mid-40s hellscape that is perimenopause with its tsunami of hormones and thick-af brain fog? Like any good psych student and aspiring clinician, I investigate via the most sound scientific sources I can find before self-diagnosing. 👀🤳🏼⬇️

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In my defense, the ’ole noggin’s got a lot goin’ on, between classes and counseling clients at a drug and alcohol treatment center, actively networking in a couple of different therapy communities — I had my first monthly Philadelphia Ecotherapy supervision group session last night, and I have my biweekly “Helping Hands” support group tomorrow — going to my own individual and couples therapy sessions and working my recovery “program.”

Not sure why I felt compelled to put that in quotes; just because I’m not currently attending 12-step meetings or reading “AA-approved literature” on the reg. doesn’t mean I’m not doing the work of recovery every day.

In fact, on top of continuing to chronicle my ups and downs in this space, my friend Kim and I started a podcast called “Living Sober,” inspired by Women for Sobriety’s 13 Acceptance Statements. We record episodes every other Thursday and put them “in the can” for a planned launch early next year. Stay tuned!

Who knows if anyone will listen? We’re having so much fun yakking about sobriety that we don’t really care!

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Yeah, studying matters because you don’t want to waste time and money when you don’t have much of either. It’s important to pass the exam and your classes so you can buff up your resume, fill your licensure requirements and command some scharole out in the field. But we all know grades and scores are little to no indicator of one’s competence as a real-life counselor or future success in private practice.

It’s also crucial for me not to sacrifice all my extracurricular activities and passion projects. I need them now more than ever. These things “fill my cup,” get me out of my head, and force me to forge social connections. They keep me living on the left half of the split-screen sky (as seen in the opening image).

What I do outside the classroom or the clinic reminds me that even if I often feel lost, alone, chronically anxious and terribly mediocre in this current stage of my professional development, there is a whole universe of opportunity out there full of kindred spirits, and there is time and space for me to explore and find my place while also building community.

Because I am involved in these endeavors, I’m starting to expand my horizons. I’m starting to believe in myself.

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I think I have much to offer as a therapist: intelligence, wit, personality, creativity, empathy, sensitivity, athleticism, Earthiness. I have decades of lived experience in addiction, disordered eating and mental illness, which has deepened my understanding of the human struggle, solidified my belief in the human spirit as an extension of a higher power, and strengthened my appreciation for folks who have the courage to pursue growth and change.

Hell, let’s also throw in 20 years of professional experience in journalism and content/social media marketing, because that’s 99% of my formal CV at the moment, and those years definitely added some punch to the “school of hard knocks” that made me who I am today.

Obviously, none of the above can be conveyed by a test score.

Back in the 90s when I was applying to college the first time around, I saw that presenting a “total package” carried more weight than any one checked box. Even then, I was much happier indulging multiple interests than focusing on one, and I didn’t like to be pinned down to any spot for very long (an early sign of ADHD? The world will never know!) I didn’t even study at all for the SAT, come to think of it; I was too busy running around playing three sports and singing in the choir and picking up trash with the “leadership council”…and sleeping. Never have I been willing to sacrifice my sleep! 💪🏻

Should I feel guilty that I just spent 4 hours writing a gazillion words that maybe one person will read, when I still have a ba-zillion items to review for the NCE and a 10-page research paper plus a group project due the week after Thanksgiving? I’ll ponder that question as soon as I get done jogging around the neighborhood admiring the fall colors, showering and taking my mid-morning nap. I might get to it after hubby’s and my couples therapy session later this afternoon, unless we’ve got our hands full picking up pizza for dinner.

Actually, this seems like a task for tomorrow…if I’m not too overstimulated after group. 😆